I have loved art all growing up, whether it was finger painting or doing a charcoal drawing. I recently was able to purchase some canvases for new art projects, and came to a realization. I am a blank canvas, at one point I was, not as much any more though. I have gone through rough patches in life where I doubted a large amount of what I thought I had known. these rough patches added blacks, grays, and dark browns to my canvas. They were splotched on the canvas in spots I couldn't see. I had felt lost, lonely, and extremely sad at times: those were the times that dark purple and rich blues were added to my canvas.
My canvas at this point looks dark, and sad. There seems to be no joy or clarity at this point, but I continue to think. I start to look through my acrylic paints and see that there still are more colors. Some green starts to appear on my canvas as I think of the times I struggled but found a way to triumph over the trials. Lighter shades of green are added as I continue to ponder about the times I have had with friends. I realized that I had struggled with friends my whole life. I had always claimed my cousin to be my best friend, but even then there were issues. Slowly over the years I became better friends with those around me and had emerged from the dark green hues, to brighter hues starting to border the yellows.
The canvas starts to get brighter as I continue to think. Yellows and oranges are added as I think of all the happy times in my life where even in the dark moments of my life there was joy. Every time I cried, and a little bit of white and light blue was added on top of the dark spots, because in those moments I was finding clarity in my own mind. The joy and happiness usually came after I had found some clarity. Red became a large proportion of my canvas for a while because of the anger I was feeling. Some days I was angry with God, my friends, teachers, but a lot of the time I was angry with myself because of how I had reacted in a situation and many other reasons.
Lately my canvas has been black, grays, browns, dark purple, deep blues, and alot of red. I honestly was so focused on what was happening within me to not look beyond myself. I would cry as I tried to find clarity, but was so distracted that it never came. My heart felt like a black hole with no end to what was happening. I focused on school work while I could, but after a while my energy was so drained that I felt as if I was glazing over everything to a point that I would not see through the glaze on my canvas.
Sometimes we have to go through the difficult times to find our start again. When I look at my canvas currently the colors underneath the glaze are now shadows and I am starting out with an almost clean canvas. The things in my past are still there as shadows to remind me of what I have gone through, and can grow from. I am adding brighter blues, and even more greens as I struggle with the past but overcome the trials one at a time. I am beginning to see a a little forest glade where the shadows of my past are the foreshadows of my future where flowers can bloom on my canvas. Your canvas will never be completely white like it was when your life began, but you can always start over. You have the power within yourself to create and be what ever you want. Never let others and especially YOURSELF get you down. You have the power to paint your own masterpiece.
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